Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Ranting and Raving

I have been upset all day.

It started at the hospital yesterday with my second surgery in eleven days. After I changed into the gown, I put my clothes, shoes and head scarf in a plastic bag. An aid stopped by to take it to a locker. My head felt naked so I asked him if I could have a blue cap and he said, "Yes sir. I'll get that for you right away."

Sir? SIR! Are you kidding me? Without hair, makeup, or eyebrows, I look like a man? I am losing myself through all of this crap. I knew this would happen.

Then I had a discussion with the anesthesiologist about two important issues. Number one: I did not want to throw up this time. Number two: I wanted to see and feel the love sent to the surgical room last time but someone knocked me out before my head hit the pillow. He said he would give me a warning before putting me to sleep this time.
Well, this girl shooed Richard away and said it was time to go. She put a syringe of "Pepcid and something to relax" me in the IV. I don't remember anything after we turned the corner in the hallway. Damn it. They knocked me out even sooner this time. I thought I made myself clear.

Surgery was at noon and I was heading home by 3:00. I took a long nap, had a light dinner and felt very little pain. The worst part was the ace bandage wrapped around my chest so tight I could hardly breathe. But when I went to bed I couldn't go to sleep. I finally went downstairs at 4:00 am., then back to bed and fell asleep at 5:30. The hospital called this morning to check on me but Richard told them I was asleep. I didn't even get to tell them how upset I was.

I am tired of not being in control and people doing all of these things to my body. I don't even know if it's working. I hate looking like this. I hate being sick. I hate feeling afraid. And most of all I hate breast cancer!